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Topics: [fun]

Бюрократий

http://www.svpvril.com/Jokes/New%20Element%20Discovered,%20Bureaucratium.html
Новый элемент с отрицательным периодом полураспада: со временем он
становится тяжелее.

    A new ultra-heavy element was recently accidently synthesized by
    political scientists. The new element, now known officially as
    Bureaucratium, is electrically neutral, having neither protons nor
    electrons, and thus has an atomic number of zero. However, it does
    have:

    1   bossion
    75  vice-bossions
    111 assistant vice-bossions
    125 associate assistant vice-bossions

    It thus has an atomic mass of -312. The 312 mostly empty particles
    are held together by a strong, cohesive bonding force which involves
    the continuous exchange of clingon-like elementary particles called
    brownoseons.

    Since it is electrically neutral, Bureacratium is chemically inert.
    However, it can be detected indirectly by its ability to impede
    nearly every action with which it comes in contact. In fact it was
    precisely this characteristic (and its unexpected appearance) which
    led the research team to its serendipitous discovery, when it found
    that a certain reaction which is normally exothermic and occurs in
    under one millisecond was observed to be endothermic, with an energy
    input 3500 times greater than normal, and took four days to
    complete.

    Bureacratium is a man-made element and does not occur naturally. It
    apparently is formed as a by-product of necrotic organizational
    processes. It is found in greatest abundance in government agencies,
    large corporations, large non-profit organizations and academia. In
    extremely minute amounts it may actually serve a useful purpose in
    normal reactions by catalyzing the full release and exchange of
    energy among the reactive particles. However, in the typical growth
    process, Bureacratium seems to self-replicate at an alarming rate,
    eventually repelling, although occasionally absorbing, reactive
    particles. If left unchecked Bureaucratium will experience runaway
    growth and literally feed upon itself and absorb nearby organisms.

    Unlike both naturally occurring and man-made radioactive substances
    which decay continuously due to their nuclear instability,
    Bureaucratium, although also unstable, undergoes self-replication
    with a normal doubling time of about nine years. This replication
    appears to occur as a discrete process rather than continuously, and
    is associated with periodic reorganizations which occur at
    more-or-less regular time intervals of approximately three years. At
    these times, vice bossions, assistant vice-bossions, and associate
    assistant vice-bossions exchange places, and roughly 1/6 of them
    generate additional Half-Secretarium particles, which soon quietly
    and mysteriously mutate to become Full-Secretarium particles.

    Bureaucratium undergoes spontaneous chain reactions once it attains
    critical mass, at which point it is no longer controllable and
    consumes its host system along with itself. However, unlike nuclear
    fission and fusion reactions which are exothermic and release vast
    amounts of energy at criticality, Bureaucratium induces an
    endothermic process of fractionation and energy diffusion in which
    the system spins about itself in ever diminishing circles as it
    implodes, consuming vast amounts of energy. At this point, all
    productive reactions among non-Bureaucratium particles, as well as
    replication and mutation of Bureaucratium itself, cease as the
    system slowly disintegrates. Indeed, it has been found that
    Bureaucratium apparently cannot exist alone, having been found only
    in the presence of active particles from which it absorbs energy not
    unlike a parasite.

    Research is currently underway to determine how Bureaucratium can be
    harnessed or controlled to prevent irreversible damage to productive
    host systems.

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